Man Eat Food

Winter is upon us and nobody is eating ice cream. What a sad state of affairs.

Well, I’m here to tell you that ice cream isn’t just for summer anymore. In fact, it never was. For citizens all over this glorious nation - especially kids and grandparents - ice cream isn’t a seasonal treat. It’s a year-round delicacy.

Though many a “fresh” ice cream stand are closed in this season of discontent, your nearest supermarket or convenience store is still open… right? The war for your hard-earned dairy dollar doesn’t break for cold weather and neither does its Geneva Conventions - me.

For your amusement, I am pitting the two major pint barons (Haagen Dazs and Ben & Jerry’s) against each other in the ultimate blog-etition. Spoons will cross, packaging will sweat, and the contents will soften. Let the ice cream war begin!

Factor #1 - Chunky flavors

An easy win for Ben & Jerry’s. Do they even make anything that doesn’t have a swirl, chunk, or crumble in it? Meanwhile, when you come upon something crunchy in Haagen Dazs, it’s more of an interference than an added pleasure.

WINNER: Ben & Jerry’s

Factor #2 - Smooth flavors

In the mirror category to #1, Haagen Dazs obviously walks away with it. Honestly, HD ice cream is probably some of the smoothest food on the planet, aside from the wonderfully smooth (and natural!) avocado.

WINNER: Haagen Dazs

Factor #3 - Low-fat options

This is another fairly easy win for the faux-Dutch company (or is it faux-Swedish?). Their Extra-Rich Smooth line of ice creams is simply out of this world and taste closer to real ice cream than most of the full-fat versions.

WINNER: Haagen Dazs

Factor #4 - Ingredients

I think this one is a wash. Both places use all-natural ingredients and they taste better for it. That’s the reason why the pints from these places are as expensive as gallons of the crappy stuff. All natural is all good.

WINNER: tie

Factor #5 - Meltability

Another tough one and very related to the first few categories. Both ice creams seem to melt nicely, without any fault lines or cracks. But when Haagen Dazs gets really melty, it gets even better. With Ben & Jerry’s, it just makes it easier to get to the chunks.

WINNER: Haagen Dazs

Factor #6 - Social consciousness

Far and away, it’s Ben & Jerry’s. They have so many programs that give back to the community and the world that I could hardly list them all. Haagen Dazs does have a new campaign for bees, but it’s hard to cut into the lead that B&J has built up.

WINNER: Ben & Jerry’s

Since I can’t think of any more categories, that makes the grand winner… Haagen Dazs! Don’t you wish all wars ended so sweetly?

[For another take on the seminal ice cream rivalry (which I discovered just after writing the piece), check out this Serious Eats article.]