Category Archives: Curiosities

The most disgusting thing ever (updated)

Wow, take a gander at this monstrosity. Only in Japan, a land virtually untouched by obesity, can the marketing wizards at Pizza Hut peddle a 646 calorie per slice (per slice!!!) food to kids without the least demonstration of conscience or remorse.

According to Gizmodo, Pizza Hut’s “exclusive” Double Roll pie includes bacon-wrapped wieners, mini hamburgers, pepperoni, three kinds of cheeses, and a few veggies.

And because that’s not hurl-inducing enough, how about adding a little ketchup and maple syrup? Because, ya know, that other stuff just doesn’t have the thick, viscous quality that’s driving all the kids nuts these days.

Honestly, when food becomes this kitschy, it’s more sad than cute.

Thanks to Meghan for the heads-up on this article.

Update 5/9/08

More crazy Asian pizza crusts here!

Marsala Massacre

Riddle me this: what do you call Chicken Marsala that doesn’t include any Marsala?

This was my dilemma last weekend when, halfway into the cooking process, I discovered a distinct lack of Marsala wine in the apartment. (I had also run out of mushrooms, but that’s another issue.)

During my extensive search for a substitute alcohol, I retrieved a tall blue bottle from the back of the pantry that had long since faded from memory. The liquid, dubbed Attitude III, was described on the bottle as “Blueberry Wine with grape spirits added.” Hmmmmmm…

I tried a little and, tasting a slight resemblance to the sweetness of Marsala and port wines, decided to throw it in. I almost immediately regretted my decision as strange, blueberry fumes rose from the pan. In a desperate attempt to save the sauce, I grabbed some refrigerated chardonnay and poured in a healthy splash.

Then, as a final cover-up, I doubled the amount of lemon juice I normally add. If there was going to be an edge to it, I thought it better to err on the side of citrus.

The result? Surprisingly, not bad.

Although it took a bite or two to get used to the less-familiar taste, the wife and I both enjoyed the experiment.

I can’t say it was the best meal I’ve ever had, but I can’t say it was the worst either. It was just a happy accident… but one I hope not to repeat anytime soon.

For all you monkey lovers

I’m all for snarky, pseudo-intellectual T-shirts – like the ones currently on sale at the Mental Floss store – but I draw the line at monkey-eating innuendo.

CGI Food

If you’ve seen Ratatouille - one of the best animated features of all time and a true foodie classic – you probably salivated at all of the visual delights cooked up by those wizardly Pixar animators.

According to this video, however, making animated food look edible isn’t that easy. As opposed to real cooking…

A good problem to have

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Sometimes, when making stuffed peppers, you’ll end up with leftover meat. The first thing you want to do in this situation is remain calm. Remember: meat is your friend.

To keep your dinner from being ruined, simply form the meat into small balls and cook them alongside the peppers.

Don’t view this as a personal failure. When you end up with meatballs, everybody wins.

Question: What other mistakes have you turned into culinary gold?

Cadbury Creme Egg Conundrums

People often ask, “What’s the perfect food for doing taxes?”

My answer is the delicious and non-nutritious Cadbury Creme Egg. With its simple concept and sweetly unnatural ingredients, the egg provides a perfect escape from the all-too-real world of deductibles and itemizations.

I was eating just such a treat the other day when a thought struck me: Didn’t these things used to come out around Easter?

I ate my first one this year in January. JANUARY! How far back can they push this limited-opportunity opportunity? Christmas? How weird would that be to explain to kids?

“Here’s your Christmas Creme Egg, honey. Eat it all up and don’t ask me again how a holiday celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ is associated with the eating of fake chocolate eggs starting just after his birthday.”

It seems that this not the first time this crazy candy has caused controversy recently. First, some dude got pretty famous (Internet-wise, at least) for doing what so many of us have dreamed of doing – substituting creme eggs for real eggs in a cake recipe. Needless to say, it didn’t turn out so well.

Then, it was revealed that the current size of the egg is indeed smaller than it used to be – a fact uncovered by that guy from The Office during an appearance on some NBC talk show. (How’s that for detailed reporting?)

All of which brings me to this interesting, but somewhat unrelated point: Chocolate is hard to make.

If you look at how labor-intensive and time-consuming a process it is to transform cacao seeds into the thing we call chocolate (as detailed here), I think we can allow for a few PR hiccups now and again.

No matter how it shrinks, how early in the year it debuts, or how poor a substitute it makes for the genuine foodstuff on which it’s actually based, I’ll keep eating the creme egg.

Unless they change the definition of chocolate. That I cannot abide.

Worst. Muffin. Ever.

Some may argue that by ordering a muffin – any muffin – at the fledgling Juan Valdez Cafe (JVC) kiosk in Philadelphia’s Suburban Station, I was asking for trouble. This is true.

But when a muffin – any muffin – is this offensive, this disgusting, this undeserving of the label “food”, let alone “muffin,” I feel a modicum of outrage is still justified.

The best I can say about the low-fat blueberry “muffin” I ordered this morning was that it looked like a muffin. When I attempted to separate a piece from the highly-coveted muffin top, this is what happened: Instead of a delicious crumb of pastry, I was forced to strip around the entire overhang to pull anything off.

This was no breakfast.

This was a piece of rubber masquerading as something edible. When, after at least twenty chews, I finally spit the monstrosity out, I swear I could actually hear the blueberries crying out, as if trapped in some horrible, chemically concocted prison. “Free us,” they screamed from inside the beast.

I saved as many as I could before burying what was left of the abomination in the closest garbage.

Though you may know a thing or two about coffee, ponchos, wide-brimmed hats and mules, Juan Valdez… you have a hell of a lot to learn about muffins.

The Neverending Name Problem

So lately, I’ve been wrestling with the decision to rename this site.

You see, www.foodood.com is already taken by some foreign entity (I wonder what it translates as), forcing yours truly into a similar bind as our favorite math-test-skipping nerd, Bastian from The Neverending Story.

If you recall, to stop the Nothing, young Bastian had to give the princess a new name. He screamed out something at the climax of the movie, although you’d need a gazillion sound filters to try and figure it out. (Or just a quick visit to Wikipedia.)

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to warn you that Foodood (The Site) may change its moniker in the near future. I think I know what I’m going to call it, but if you have any good suggestions, I’m all ears.

And yes, I do realize that my dog looks like Falcor.

Bizzaro Meal

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So, I made that new “old standby” recipe from Prevention again, but instead of serving it with a starch and salad on the side, I reversed it. See that small bowl where the salad normally goes? That’s right… it’s filled with pasta ceci.

I wouldn’t normally serve fish over salad (especially in the winter) but this somehow just felt right. And, oddly, the leftover pasta went quite well on the side.

In the words of Bizarro: “Me am not happy me didn’t try something new.”

Chinese Pad Thai (and other likeable contradictions)

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So here’s a mystery for you: why does the Pad Thai made by Chinese places taste better than Pad Thai made by Thai restaurants?

Maybe this is not a universal rule, but it sure holds true in Philly. I’ve been to at least three Thai joints here, and only two Chinese places (one of which is our regular: Square on Square), and I have to give it to world’s oldest civilization: they know how to culture-hop.

For anyone unfamiliar with the dish, Pad Thai is a stir-fry noodle dish that usually has some combination of a meat (usually shrimp), tofu, peanut crumbles and egg. It’s usually served with bean sprouts and a wedge of lemon or lime and can be considered, along with fried rice, the very definition of Asian comfort food.

This weird contradiction of tastes, in which I prefer the “fake” version over the authentically prepared food, got me thinking about other such anomalies. The only one that popped into my head was syrup.

Am I the only one that prefers to drown my waffles in Aunt Jemima rather than natural tree blood?

I think not.