Kielbasa and pierogi — them’s real Polish eats. Or at least the only thing I know about Polish food.

Before I met my wife, I never got pierogi (it’s plural…really). OK, I understood them, I just never purchased them. I think it’s because I saw them as a lesser version of the holiest of Italian foods, ravioli. Potato? Who needs it when you can get some nice ricotta cheese in the middle?

It didn’t help that we didn’t know how to prepare these potato-filled dumplings. I mean, we knew to boil them, but then what do you put on them? We usually used leftover tomato sauce, but it was overpowering. So I turned to the Internet…and wonder of wonders, it suggested a classic Italian preparation: fry them up with some butter and olive oil, after softening some onion and garlic in the pan.

Fine by me.

After adding some salt and pepper, these things were done. So it was time to add some Polish protein: the oft-maligned kielbasa sausage. In our case, it was Lean Turkey Kielbasa, courtesy of Jennie-O. Well, actually it was courtesy of the company because they didn’t send it to me free. (But if you’re reading this, Jennie-O, you still have time!)

Anyway, I cut it up into big chunks and threw them into the pan for some heat (it comes fully cooked already). Now that I’m looking at pictures of how it’s prepared elsewhere, I’m thinking I left the chunks a little too big. Maybe they’re supposed to be cut into coin-like shapes, as pictured on the package. Eh, what do packaging pictures know?

After a thorough mixing of the pierogi and kielbasa pieces, we only had to wait for the string beans to finish steaming and we were ready to eat.

I think it turned out pretty good for a quick, mid-week meal. The only problem? The kielbasa was salty as all get-out. I mean, lip-curling, water-clamoring saltiness. Hey Jennie-O, you don’t need to make up for the fact that it’s turkey with more salt than the ocean. It’d still be good with half the sodium.

This is the part where I end with a funny but inappropriate Polish joke. Fortunately for you, I don’t know any. Feel free to leave some good ones in the comments…

Even though I’m thinking of moving all my restaurant reviews to Yelp, I figure I at least owe you this post. And by “you” I mean both my readers (are you still here?) and my neighborhood.

Ready? Let’s do this.

While I still think the Upper West Side has its problems, and it cannot even pretend to be a restaurant hot-spot, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t had some good meals here. Over the past few months, I’ve found a few places worth staying close to home for.

Nice-Matin

You know what I love about the above picture (which I shamelessly borrowed from this blog)? It shows the exact table we ate it. It’s the one on the left with the dude in the white shirt. In fact, he kind of looks like me. So you have my official permission to imagine that he is me, and that you’re watching me eat dinner. Exciting, isn’t it?

I was only reminded of this restaurant recently, when a friend posted a review on Yelp. My wife and I actually ate here months earlier, in the middle of grueling apartment search.

Although I’m going by my rapidly deteriorating memory, I have nothing but warm and fuzzy feelings for this French bistro. It wasn’t stuffy (as some French places can be) and the food and drinks were well prepared and priced. The fish (snapper for me and salmon for my wife) was fresh and delicious, and dining al fresco on busy Amsterdam street is one of those quintessential NYC experiences.

If you have to eat on the UWS, eat here.

Shake Shack

Honestly, so much has been written about this updated-but-still-old-school burger joint, I’m probably not going to be saying anything new.

However, I feel I must get a few points across:

• The burgers are fantastic. Probably some of the best I’ve ever had, and certainly the best of any quickly prepared burger since last time I was on the west coast (In-N-Out animal style, I’m looking at you). As opposed to other burgers, these actually taste like beef…and glorious beef at that.
• The chocolate milkshake was similarly revelatory. Maybe they faked me out, but there was a deep chocolate flavor there. It was also thick without being pure ice cream. Perfect.
• The fries suck. Sorry, but they do.

Because I don’t want to end on a negative note, I’ll say that this place is a spitting distance to one of my favorite places – the Museum of Natural History – which has enough of a park to allow slow savoring of the SS deliciousness. I recommend you grab a bench and enjoy.

Big Nick’s

This place is classic.

There’s no other word for it. Its menu is a million pages long, it’s open 24 hours (or 23 with one hour of clean up) and it serves every kind of pizza, burger, salad and sandwich imaginable. And it’s right up the street from our apartment!

I’ve had a bistro burger, which was probably one of the more upscale burger they have, and what else can I say – they nailed it! The pizza by the slice is similarly great: a thin, huge wedge of NYC goodness. It gets a little crisp when they warm up it up, and it practically begs to be folded, NYC style.

The only chink in Big Nick’s armor (that I’ve witnessed anyway) would be their take-out/delivery pizza. I don’t know if it’s a different person making it or what, but it’s nowhere near as good as their pizza by the slice.

Other than that, this place is the ultimate utility player. Go late night for added crazy.

Sarabeth’s West

We heard this was the best brunch on the UWS, and having not consulted any other place for brunch, I’d have to agree.

As was expected, there was a line when we arrived. But it actually went quickly, partially because we were staring at some sort of Latin Arts parade that hadn’t yet got started.

The restaurant itself was an anomaly: it just doesn’t look like a NYC restaurant. With its pleasant, but decidedly not busy or trendy interior, I wouldn’t have been surprised if we were dining anywhere on the east coast: urban, suburban or otherwise.

I was in a sweet mood (as opposed to savory) and got the cinnamon-apple French toast. I can’t put my finger on one particular thing, but this plate was amazing. Each piece was the perfect size, the perfect flavor and with the right amount of fruit, butter and syrup accompaniment.

Actually, now that I think about, I don’t remember anything my wife or her friend got. For all I know, their food could have been terrible. But anyplace that wows me with French toast gets the benefit of the doubt.

Oh wait, I remember one more thing: our waitress had the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard. And that’s how I’m going to end the post. Kind of anti-climactic, ain’t it?

It really saddens me to say this, but my new neighborhood is a vast culinary wasteland.

Sure, I haven’t eaten out nearly as much as I used to. The economy and the fabled NYC cost of living increase has certainly taken their toll. However, the wife and I have tried several eateries in the past month and a half, and we were not impressed.

To wit:

Citrus (photo above)

This restaurant is only a few block from my apartment and boasts “Latin fare with Asian flair.” It’s a fun motto, which is matched by the almost clubby atmosphere of the interior. It’s a modern place, very glossy looking, with the patronage to match.

Unfortunately, the food’s not very good.

We started with a bland salmon tartare, which I followed with some bland sushi. Particularly troubling was the rice, which was not nearly sticky enough to cohese and fell apart in each piece of nagiri. My wife had the  Ancho Chile Glazed Salmon (wasabi infused cauliflower-potato mash & agave glazed carrots & zucchini), which was definitely the best thing we ingested that night. Still, it wasn’t nearly worth the price tag, and we left without dessert.

I’m not thinking we’ll ever go again, but if we do, we’ll probably stick with the Latin fare without the Asian flair.

La Vela

As was the case with Jersey, New York City is littered with Italian restaurants. And the Upper West Side is no exception.

We chose La Vela from among five or six others vying for the distinction of being not only the first Italian restaurant we went to in our new neighborhood, but also the one we would bring the parents-in-law. It fit the bill we were looking for: it was close and looked like it served basic Italian.

This is one of those Italian joints that drowns about 70% of its menu in red sauce. Which, honestly, can be good or bad, depending on the red sauce. I thought La Vela’s was actually decent, though my wife wasn’t so impressed.

The big winner of the night was the fresh pastas, including my spinach ravioli, my wife’s gnocchi, and my mother-in-law’s linguine. But there were some major problems. The mussels that my wife and her father shared were hit-and-miss. They both tossed a few aside because they didn’t taste “fresh.” That’s never good.

Also, the shrimp in my mother-in-law’s dish were overcooked. And then there was the aforementioned red sauce. Despite what we thought of it, there was simply too much.

Look, I like this type of ‘traditional’ Italian food. I grew up on the stuff. But there’s a big difference between restaurants that are still trying to make things good and those that are just resting on the fact that East Coasters gobble this stuff up, no matter what the quality. It’s the difference between a place like Ralph’s (in Philly) and a place like La Vela.

No offense, but people like me can tell the difference.

Cafe Con Leche

This place is weird.

The menu says that it serves Latin American, Cuban and Caribbean cuisine. And I guess it does. But it’s awfully suspicious that it’s adjacent to an Indian restaurant and the entire waitstaff was Indian. Somehow, the food just didn’t seem that authentic. And it wasn’t what you’d call good.

I can’t seem to find the menu to give you exact names, but we started out with some shrimp in garlic sauce housed in what I can only describe as a hive of molded plantains. The mini shrimp were decent, as was the garlic sauce, but the plantains were the most tasteless, bland things I’ve ever eaten. There was not a hint of sweet to them, and even the texture seemed off.

Because I wasn’t that hungry, I chose a salad for my entree. While it was nice and crispy, it also seemed suspiciously pre-made, or at least the lettuce, tomato and cucumber base did. To this they added a few scraps of avocado (presentation is not a strong suit) and some of the same mini shrimp that were in the appetizer. The dressing didn’t have the bite I was expecting and there was entirely too little of it.

My wife made out a little better with her mango chicken dish – flattened pieces of chicken, breaded and sauteed with a mango sauce. It still didn’t seem quite Latin enough, but it was the best thing we got.

Sorry Cafe Con Leche, you lost me at hello.

Next time: the good parts of Upper West Side food.  (It may be a small post.)

OK, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that POM Wonderful (or any pomegranate juice) tastes like the synthetic blood featured on the increasingly popular HBO vampire series, True Blood.

Granted, I’ve never tasted synthetic blood, nor any blood for that matter. But even if it doesn’t taste like it, pomegranate juice sure looks like True Blood. It’s dark red and thick…with a slightly syrupy quality.

However, a more apt comparison for the product is V, the vampire blood turned human drug that comes from the same show. Like V, a drug so potent that only a drop evokes waves of hypnotic euphoria, pomegranate juice yields its own bounty: tons of life-prolonging antioxidants.

Antioxidants, also found in such foods as blueberries, salmon, red wine and dark chocolate, is extremely concentrated in pomegranate juice. And POM Wonderful is the only pomegranate juice that is backed by medical research, including studies that link its use to increased cardiovascular and prostate health (in addition to some sexual benefits for men…woohoo!). It’s all documented here.

So why am I talking all this wonderful about POM? Well, a couple months ago these folks were kind enough to send me a whole case of their mini-bottled product. I’ll admit, when I first opened one, I didn’t know what to expect.

While I’d never had pomegranate juice before, I had seen an actual pomegranate. The inside looks like an alien nesting hive filled with what looks like red fish eggs. These eggs are presumably juice sacs that POM manages to painstakingly drain. I would assume this is the reason behind the relatively high price of pomegranate juice. (Or maybe it really is vampire blood.)

So what does it taste like?

Well, I assume most of you have had it before. It tastes exactly like what you think it would taste like: a tarter, more concentrated version of cranberry juice.

OK, maybe that’s not what you thought it would taste like considering the grotesque picture to the left. But that’s it.

I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s little hard to drink straight up. After a couple sips, your tongue sort of rebels against that particular taste, and it can be a chore to get through a whole bottle…

Which is why you shouldn’t drink POM alone. It’s a juice that’s made to be mixed. You can’t go wrong with various seltzers and I’d imagine ginger ale is also good with it. If you’re feeling saucy (and let’s face it, who isn’t?), throw a dash of vodka or gin in there. Or more than a dash.

I’m not one to judge how you take your pomegranate juice. I’m just making suggestions for a more pleasurable experience while getting your full wallops of antioxidants.

But you wanna know the best part of drinking POM?

You don’t have to drain a vampire to get it.

In which I apologize for a distinct lack of posting and explain why that is.

1. Work has been a madhouse.
2. I went on vacation.
3. I moved.
4. I moved.
5. I moved.

The good news? I moved to New York City. Or maybe that’s a bad thing, considering how many food bloggers are already here and doing a damn better job than me.

Anyway, I hope to be getting this blog back into fighting shape by September, so please stay tuned!

I am preposterously bad at broccoli.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s fresh or frozen, I cannot for the life of me get this vegetable right. For instance, I bought a whole big bag of fresh cut florets from Costco and threw them in the freezer. I figured they’d keep for as long as it would probably take me to use them – several months.

I also thought they’d be easy to prepare. Boil up a little water, maybe add some salt, throw in the broccoli and let simmer for several minutes. Poof – instant side dish!

Well, not so much.

Over the course of those several months, I’ve consistently prepared some of the most inedible greens this side of the Mason-Dixon.

It’s not that they look terrible (the pictures are of actual samples of the ghastly veggies). It’s just that they are completely tough, taste terrible and stink up the house for at least two days. I’m serious! My wife could not stop gagging the last time I tried this.

In short, I need some help with broccoli. Won’t you please take part in my poll or leave a comment? You will be saving an innocent vegetable from being mangled in new and horrifying ways, and you might just contribute to the domestic peace and tranquility of yours truly.

Thanks!

My mom used to serve this as a side dish rather than a dessert. That’s why I’ve always found it weird that actual carrot cakes have icing. Mom’s never did.

What she did do was make this cake in a bundt pan. And because I never had one, I didn’t even attempt making this thing. But when my mom replaced her bundt with something new, guess who got the hand-me-down?

That’s right, me. I fished out the recipe and went to work.

Ingredients

• 2 sticks unsalted butter (room temperature)
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 tbsp. water
• 2 1/2 grated carrots
• 1 1/2 cups flourAdd
• 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp. nutmeg

Cream Cheese Frosting

The last cream cheese frosting recipe you’ll ever need (Slashfood)

• 8 oz. cold cream cheese
• 5 tbsp. softened butter
• 2 tsp. vanilla extract
• 2 cups confectionery sugar, added gradually

Directions

In a large bowl, cream together butter and brown sugar.

Add all other ingredients and mix well. Refrigerate dough overnight.

The next day, pack the dough into the bundt pan (should come about halfway up). Bake 1 hour at 350 degrees.

A little bundt in the oven.

Let cool in pan several minutes, then overturn onto a rack to cool completely. Ice with frosting.

Before icing, the way Mom served it.

Enjoy!

So, one day I came home to find a rather large box at the door.

I opened it up, expecting to see a major award, only to find a styrofoam-insulated, ice-packed package of Buitoni Wild Mushroom Agnolotti sent to me from the good folks at Foodbuzz.

Though I was bit perturbed at the waste of packaging (the Al Gore in me screamed out in pain), I was just as excited to give these fresh pasta pillows a try.

I knew that I didn’t want to overpower the flavor of the stuffing, so tomato sauce wasn’t even considered. I  wanted something fairly simple, but also complementary to the pasta, and the peas and prosciutto idea (suggested by Foodbuzz) fit the bill. The only problem: my wife doesn’t eat pig.

A substitution of turkey bacon was made, and soon we were off and running. While the agnolotti were boiling, I browned up some butter (perhaps a bit too much of it) in a frying pan.

At the end of the cooking cycle for the pasta, I tossed in the frozen peas for a few minutes of boiling, before draining the whole deal.

After letting the chopped bacon crackle a bit in the brown butter, I turned the gas down and threw in the peas and pasta for a nice ‘cook and coat.’

With a few good tosses, it was ready for plating. I removed a good portion of agnolotti, peas and bacon (all coated with brown butter) to each plate, cracked some fresh pepper and sprinkled the shredded Grana Padano (a cousin of Parmigiano Reggiano) on top.

And there you go, absolute fantastic-ness. The best compliment I can pay to this pasta is that despite all the accouterments, the wild mushroom flavor really shone through. Buitoni certainly impressed me with this pasta, and I can’t wait to try a few of the other flavors they have.

In a word… bellisimo!

Is there any movie more purely enjoyable than The Goonies?

While I love the whole adventure, it’s characters like Mouth, Data, the Fratellis and Sloth that really make this film an undeniable classic.

But there’s one character I hold closest to my heart: CHUNK. The food-obsessed klutz has some of the best lines, by far the most memorable facial expressions and a charm that shines through even the most serious scenes.

Of course, Chunk’s most famous quality is his ability to eat in the face of danger. For a rundown of his edible conquests, keep reading…

1. Ellio’s syle pizza slice and strawberry shake

During the opening title sequence, as the Fratellis try to shake the cops during an epic chase, we get our first glimpse of an excited Chunk at the arcade. Soon a fistful of what I think is pizza  – looks like the square, Ellio’s variety – is up against the glass, followed by an explosion of milky pinkness that I could only guess is a strawberry shake or strawberry flavored Quick. For some reason (probably early product placement), it bursts out of a Pepsi cup.

2. Potato chips

After Chunk drops the statue, knocking loose a very important piece, the boys go into cover-up mode when Mikey’s mom comes home with the new housekeeper, Rosalita. Chunk’s go-to action: stuffing his face. At one point, it kind of looks like pretzels, but then Mikey’s mom says something about potato chips, so I guess that’s what it was.

3. Whipped cream

Another scene, another Chunk mood assuaged by food. “Oh God am I depressed,” Chunk explains before removing the cap from a whipped cream container, inverting it and dispensing the sweet, sweet cream directly down his gulet.

It’s probably not the first time this happened on film (or is it?), but it’s certainly the most memorable.

4. Tongue and brown water

Chunk didn’t eat this stuff, but I’m going to include it anyway because it’s a funny scene. It occurs after the Goonies track the Fratellis to an abandoned restaurant near the coast. After Mouth mouths off at Mama Fratelli, she comes back with the classic: “The only thing we serve is tongue!”

They instead order a round of water, all of which are tainted with a rusty brown hue. Mmmm, minerals.

5. Ice cream closet

Another Chunk-with-food classic. Chunk finds a freezer full of ice cream (through smell alone) and gets excited. Instead of Ben & Jerry’s or Haagen Dazs, the pints he finds are a brand called Swenson’s. Flavors include:

• Pralines & Cream
• Mississippi Mud
• Chocolate Eruption
• Apple
• Grape

I know you’re probably wondering: what about Rocky Road? That actually comes up in a later scene, after Chunk frees Sloth.

6. Baby Ruth

Chunk’s peace offering to the deformed Fratelli sibling, Sloth. I’m not a big fan of Baby Ruth myself, but I could see how it would be appetizing in a situation like that. Plus, Sloth’s reading of Baby Ruth haunts my dreams.

7. Pizza

This time it’s the real stuff. Chunk’s family brings him a fresh pizza pie at the end of the movie, after the Goonies escape the pirate ship lagoon.

As much as I would love to see my family at the end of such a rousing adventure, I think the sight of pizza would be a close second.

TRUFFLE SHUFFLE TIME!

_____________________________

Food on Film is an occasional feature in which I explore some of the most significant food-related scenes in popular film.

Here are the movies I’ve covered so far:

• Star Wars
• Silence of the Lambs
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
• Pulp Fiction

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As you may have noticed, my posting frequency has taken a nosedive over the past few months. I won’t go into all the excuses, but I think this once-a-weekend schedule is probably going to be sticking around for a while.

Since I’m now doing a lot of quick hits on Twitter, I’m going to try to give you longer, more in-depth reads for the main site. That’s why I’m smushing together three separate meals into one amazing article (amazingness not guaranteed).

Let’s get started…

The Sidewalk Bistro (Piermont, NY)

A view from the patio

Piermont is a cool little town right on the edge of the Hudson River. There’s a strip of land that runs deep into the river (although not deep enough to peer down to New York Ciy) where you can walk, fish or just take in the sights and sounds. And the town center is filled with all kinds of small stores, galleries and eateries. One of the best is the rejuvenated Sidewalk Bistro.

Formerly The Sidewalk Cafe, this French bistro has gone a bit more high-end with its cuisine, although it can still satisfy the burger and beer crowd. The spouse and I visited one beautiful weekend last month for a late brunch. Luckily, we snagged a prime spot in the backyard patio.

Though everything on the menu sounded delicious, with both ended up ordering eggs benedict. Hers substituted crab cake for the traditional bacon, while mine used smoked salmon. Although I’m a relative rookie when it comes to eggs benedict, this was certainly the best I’ve ever had. The eggs were perfectly poached and covered with just the right amount of  Hollandaise sauce. The small mixed green salad was a much more welcome side than homefries.

Their wine list is also excellent (befitting a good bistro), but unfortunately, we didn’t have room for dessert. That will change tonight when we return for a try at dinner.

Tlaquepaque (New Rochelle, NY)

I found this Mexican place a few weeks ago when I accompanied my folks to a Toyota buy-back event at a dealership in New Rochelle. Funnily enough, it actually occupies the same space that my grandfather’s favorite Italian restaurant once occupied: Del Ponte.

New Rochelle, like many other Westchester burbs, used to be dominated by Italian food. Now, as we looked around for a place for lunch, it was Mexican after Mexican after Mexican. I’m not complaining, mind you. Mexican is probably second only to Italian as my favorite kind of food.

Tlaquepaque may be unpronounceable to gringos like me, but the restaurant itself is a fairly traditional, simple operation. Our waiter (who on a slow Sunday was also the maitre d’ and manager) took very good care of our table, and even suggested the big winner of the meal: birria.

My dad choose this off-the-menu stew after we were alerted that the 3-4 hour prep process was just coming to a close. Later I learned that birria is traditionally prepared with goat meat, but this one had veal. The tender, off-the-bone meat was perfectly spiced with just enough kick to keep things lively. My dad, who is the least food-obsessed of our small family unit, simply inhaled the stuff, and I don’t blame him. It was that good.

My mom and I were also satisfied by our dishes – mine, carne asada, and hers, beef enchiladas. If you’re in the area, I highly encourage you to stop by.

Lucky’s Famous Burgers (Manhattan, NY)

Just had this yesterday. Great stuff.

Although that’s not my picture up there, it might as well be. My lunch looked exactly the same, down to the two sauces and pocket-wrapped burger.

Even though I had the hankering for some beef, I was talked into getting a turkey burger. Not only was it delicious, but it looked like exactly what I’d imagine a 1950s hamburger would be: nice, spongy bun, perfectly sliced pickles, tomatoes and onion, crisp lettuce and a bit of ketchup on the underside. Oh, and I can’t forget the melted cheddar.

The accordion fries (what else would you call that shape?) were also tasty, although they’re best eaten quickly when crisp. If you leave them alone for a few minutes, they’ll quickly shrink and become tough.

The best parts of the lunch, however, were two little sauces. Man, were they good! The light pink stuff was great for dipping fries, and the darker stuff is what I always imagined “special sauce” would be. I think you could serve me grilled cardboard on a stick, as long as I could dip it one or both of these sauces.

Seriously.